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“Ow!�
“Sumimasen, sumimasen,� Blue-san said, bowing and apologizing.
“It’s okay,� said Xeno-sensei, aka Great Teacher Xeno, aka GTX as he rubbed his sore shoulder where Blue-san had thwacked him with her tennis racket. As usual he’d joined the girls of the tennis club for their afternoon practice, and as usual the ever energetic and cheerful Blue-san heaped him with attention. I could do without the hitting, though, he thought, grinning to hide his discomfort while he surreptitiously rubbed the spot where she’d hit him.
Xeno forgot about his minor injury as Blue-san beckoned him to join her for a game, and for a while he dropped into the routine of serving and returning. Well…perhaps it was more swinging at air for most of the returns; the only saving grace was the fact that most of the girls were just as bad as he was, though Blue-san as always kept a slight upper hand for the entire time they played. During one match in particular Chizuru-burger, acting as a ball fetcher between matches while waiting her turn, caught Xeno’s eye and raised her arm for rock, paper, scissors. Never one to turn down a serious RPS match, Xeno dropped his tennis racket to throw rock as Chizuru-burger threw paper, and Blue-san’s serve sailed right past, him unheeded. Blue-san of course fell to the ground anime-style in exasperation and much laffos were had. Eventually the game ended with Blue-san as the clear victor.
“Don mai, don mai,� Blue-san said, the strange adaptation of the English “Don’t mind�, as in don’t mind that you lost, Loser Mcloserkins.
“Yeah, I’ll try not to mind too much,� he replied to which she just smiled, perhaps having understood, perhaps not. As an English speaker come especially to help Japanese student’s learn English, Xeno was used to the language barrier and was usually good at working around it; for those who knew little or no English he could get by on the little Japanese he knew, or sometimes some vigorous charades could convey most messages.
“One more?� Blue-san asked.
Pleased that she’d asked in English, Xeno-sensei was about to agree to another match when a familiar voice spoke up from the other side of the gym.
“Xeno-sensei.�
Xeno turned his head to find someone he didn’t think to see in the gym at this time of day. None other than the Ball of Cuteness, Goddess of Cute, Cuteness-sama stood at the gym doors, late afternoon sunlight streaming past her to cast a long shadow across the gym. He’d made friends with the kids at each of the schools he taught at, but he’d formed a special bond with Cuteness-sama in particular. She was just so…cute! She was the type of girl he knew he’d love as a daughter, and oft-times he thought of her as his actual surrogate daughter.
“What?� Xeno said, approaching her. “Why are you here?� he said, hoping enough of his English lessons, both school time and extra-curricular, had rubbed off on her to understand the question; like the girls of the tennis club and others, GTX tried to spend time with his students outside of class and encourage them to talk to him in English, Cuteness-sama especially.
“It is time,� she replied, in English.
“Time…for what?� he asked, wondering at the tone of her voice. Did I teach her to say ‘It is time?’ She’s usually good at pronunciation, but she sounds different…
“I can’t explain,� she said, suddenly grabbing his arm and pulling out of the gym with more force than a girl that small should be able to muster against a full-grown adult male.
“Xeno-sensei! Doko iku?� Blue-san called after him, but Cuteness-sama pulled him onward.
“H-Hey Cuteness-sama, what are you doing?� Xeno said, pulling at her arm but not trying to fight her as she pulled him down the steps and away from the gym.
“Events are coming to a head sooner than I anticipated,� she replied, leading him away from the school and towards the parking lot. “My power is at this moment coming to fruition and because of this right now some very bad things are converging on us, bent on your and my destruction.�
“What?� Xeno said, unable to get past the fact that the kindergarten age Japanese girl who he’d been teaching basic English words and phrases bit by bit over the last several months was now speaking fluent English. “What power? What do you mean coming to fruition? What bad things? How are speaking in English?�
“It’s been a fun few months, Xeno-sensei,� Cuteness-sama said, leading him up to his car. “I’ve had a good time pretending to be a normal little girl. But I am what I am, and you are what you are.�
“Which is what, exactly?�
“The catalyst for the Cuteness Singularity.�
“Huh?�
“Xeno-sensei, abunai!� Blue-san suddenly yelled, and Cuteness-sama had barely pulled his head down by the front of his shirt before the blast of gun roared and a bullet hit the car beside Xeno’s at about the level his chest had been.
“Holy crap, get in the car,� Xeno said, opening the back door to his car and ushering in Blue-san, who apparently had come out of the gym right behind them, and Cuteness-sama. Several more bullets richocheted off nearby cars—he couldn’t tell from where the bullets were coming and he wasn’t about to stick his head up to look around and see—and he opened the front passenger door and was about to scoot over to the driver’s seat when Cuteness-sama hopped over the front seat and inside the driver’s seat.
“Get in the car and give me the keys,� she said, holding out her hand.
“Your feet don’t reach the petals!� he squawked just as the windshield of a nearby car shattered into the car.
Cuteness-sama tapped the heels of her plain looking shoes like Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz and suddenly a foot and a half of light in the shape of her shoe grew down from each shoe and towards the petals. “And yes I can see over the steering wheel, now get in the damn car!�
Xeno pulled out his keys and she snatched them from his hand, but for a moment after that he felt too stunned by the utter insanity of the situation to even move. A scream behind him brought him crashing to reality.
“Xeno-sensei!!!�
Xeno spun around to find Chizuru-burger crouched behind a car not far away, wide eyed and shivering. Ignoring Cuteness-sama’s “No!�, he jogged in a crouch across the parking lot, feeling the wind of bullets whizzing by his head and ricocheting of the pavement and nearby cars, grabbed Chizuru-burger by the hand, and led/dragged her to the car. After he had her in the back seat he dove in the front.
“Drive!� he yelled before even pulling the door shut, but Cuteness-sama had already started pulling out of the space. Xeno’s window shattered from a bullet that would’ve hit him had he already been sitting up and Blue-san and Chizuru-burger screamed. Cuteness-sama, handling the wheel like an experienced stunt driver rather than a girl who could barely see over the wheel, barrelled out of the parking lot with a series of sharp swerves that sent Xeno scrambling to pull on his seatbelt before pulling onto the main road outside of the school and accelerating to a speed that would have a traffic cop on them immediately.
“D-Daijoubu?� Xeno asked, turning back to check on a wide eyed, shivering Blue-san and Chizuru-burger.
“In a parallel universe,� Cuteness-sama suddenly spoke up, “an alien life of pure energy inhabits my body and the bodies of some of my classmates, and your brainwave frequency is a catalyst for their powers over inter-dimensional energy used to manipulate reality.�
Cuteness-sama swerved around a corner, slamming Xeno into the window and sending unseatbelted Blue-san and Chizuru-burger flying into the opposite door with panicked squawks. “What the heck are you talking about?� Xeno yelled over the squeal of tires, turning back to find the other girls ruffled but okay and helping them into their seatbelts. “Alternate dimensions? What’s that even have to do with us?�
“Consequences,� Cuteness-sama practically growled. “The arrogant fools bend the universe to their will using inter-dimensional energy and don’t think to consider the consequences they have on other worlds. A few months ago part of that alien’s consciousness bled over into this universe and into my brain—an event one in a google quadrillion chance against happening, yet inevitable for infinite universes—changing me. I don’t exactly have the alien’s power to manipulate reality, but I gained partial knowledge of technology beyond current human knowledge and something else. A power more dangerous and unstable than the alien’s.�
“The…Cutenesss Singularity?� Xeno said.
“Yes, exactly. And once again you and I are at the core of events beyond our control and dangerous to all mankind, and time is running out. Crazy world we live in, wouldn’t you say Xeno-sensei?�
How is it she can be driving recklessly and talking like a crazy person and still seem so cute? Xeno thought, sucking a breath through his teeth as Cuteness-sama ran a red light and barely escaped becoming part of a Xeno-car sandwich with a pickup truck that blared its horn in impotent protest.
“Stop that,� Cuteness-sama said.
“Huh?�
For a second her eyes glowed, soft gold like a lightning bug’s. “You’re thinking I look cute right now, aren’t you?�
Xeno stared at her with his mouth open.
Blue-san chose that moment to start screaming, and Chizuru-burger joined her a moment later. Cuteness-sama motioned impatiently for Xeno to shut them up, and he reluctantly turned away from her and tried to think of all the calming Japanese words he knew. “Um, subete wa daijoubu� Everything’s okay. Still screaming. “Mondai nai…tabun.� Nothing to worry about…probably. Chizuru-burger broke down sobbing while Blue-san grabbed Xeno’s shoulders and started shaking him in addition to screaming. Desperate, Xeno performed a “psh-pom�, a gesture a student had showed him from a popular comedy show that he hadn’t used in a little while. Blue-san stopped screaming and blinked at him a few times. Her lips lifted into a quavering smile and she let out a weak chuckle.
After he had Blue-san and Chizuru-burger settled back into their seats and properly in their seatbelts, Xeno took a look out the window and couldn’t recognize where they were. “Where are we going?� he asked Cuteness-sama.
“All the players on likely already in place,� she replied grimly.
“Like I said, where?�
“Some random field outside of town. I chose it a few months ago.�
“Random? How do you know they’ll be there if you chose it randomly?� She didn’t answer, and after a few seconds of silence he decided to take another approach. “Who was shooting at us?�
Cuteness-sama suddenly laughed, a fatalistic chuckle that made the small hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. “As far as I know, it was nobody. Nobody was shooting at us.�
We have officially entered the Twilight Zone, Xeno thought as they sped down the road out of town.
“What are you saying to them?� Xeno asked as Cuteness-sama spoke some rapid fire Japanese at Blue-san and Chizuru-burger. She’d stopped the car on the side of the road, and they now stood outside it front of the open gate to some pastureland. On the far edge of the field he saw a group of people stand in front of the other end of the fence. Waiting for them.
“I’m explaining their roles in this. They were meant to be here with us.�
Xeno stared dumbly from Cuteness-sama to Blue-san and Chizuru-burger and back, listening to Cuteness-sama’s speech and understanding little; something about standing and light and bravery or something. Both girls seemed more than a little frazzled from their escape from the “non-existent� shooters in the parking lot, and the unease on their faces deepened with every word Cutness-sama spoke.
“Cuteness-sama, shouldn’t we leave these two out of this?� he said, moving between them and her.
“We will help,� Blue-san said, grabbing Xeno’s hand. Chizuru-burger took the other, and Xeno looked at them both, seeing fearful yet resolute expressions from them both.
“Be glad,� Cuteness-sama said. “They want to protect you.�
Xeno gripped their hands in his and glared at Cuteness-sama. Even now, looking stern and strong, almost a stranger, Xeno thought she was cute. “I’m the teacher!� he yelled. “I’m supposed to be protecting them! Protecting you!�
Cuteness-sama smiled. Her eyes glowed again, brighter this time, and he thought he saw something in them, a glimpse of the Cuteness-sama that he knew. “You will. The time draws near. Come with me.�
Hand in hand with Blue-san and Chizuru-burger, Xeno followed Cuteness-sama into the field. It didn’t take long for him to recognize the members of the group that awaited them.
“That’s…Megane-chan. Piano-chan. Realtor-san. Cabinet-chan. Zombiehunter-san. Gachiri-kun. A-sensei. Tenisu-chan…wasn’t she just at practice?� The air in front of the fence blurred and suddenly Microphone-chan stood with them. “Holy crap,� he whispered under his breath.
“You didn’t really believe everything I told you until just now, did you?� Cuteness-sama asked, sounding playful rather than accusatory.
“I don’t know what to believe,� he replied, halting in front of them. He stood for a few second facing the group, a sampling of people from his life in Japan, with a fidgeting Blue-san and Chizuru-burger gripping his fingers almost hard enough to hurt while all of them just stared back, silent. “What now?� he asked Cuteness-sama.
She looked up.
Suddenly the sky turned dark with menacing storm clouds in all directions, bleeding black to the horizon in less than a second, and a bolt of lightning struck the ground just behind them, raising the hairs on Xeno’s arms. Xeno spun to face the spot of the lightning strike. He gaped.
Anti-GTX-sensei stood at the blackened site of the lightning strike. In normal times she was an unpleasant woman, rude and unfriendly to Xeno for no particular reason, but now she scowled with eyes as black as deepest night. Punk-ass, one of Xeno’s problem students, appeared at her side as Microphone-chan had appeared. His eyes were dark like Anti-GTX-sensei’s, and in his hands he carried a black metal sword. Another girl appeared; it was the ALT that played around on the Internet instead of playing with her students. Xeno knew she’d been evil. Xeno blinked, and suddenly there were three Anti-GTX-sensei’s, three Punk-asses, and three evil ALTs. He rubbed his eyes, but the group was still there.
“It is as I feared,� Cuteness-sama spoke up, startling Xeno enough to make him jump. She snapped her fingers and bright light flared. Xeno turned to find that the group by the fence all had glowing white eyes, and Gachiri-kun, A-sensei, and Realtor-san held glowing white swords. As for Cuteness-sama, her eyes glowed with a golden light brighter than all of them. “The forces of chaos and destruction won’t let the Cuteness Singularity be completed without a fight. So be it.�
With a wordless roar the group by the fence and the group by the lightning strike surged forward. Gachiri-kun, Realtor-san, and A-sensei battled the Punk-ass’ black swords with their white swords, and everyone else converged in fast and deadly hand-to-hand combat. All of them fought like martial arts experts, arms and legs almost blurs while they leapt and attacked and blocked and parried in a deadly dance. Despite size disadvantages, Microphone-chan, Cabinet-chan, and Megane-chan fought like beings possessed, taking on two Anti-GTX-senseis and an evil ALT with a fervor that negated any issue of size. Xeno stared, transfixed, and the only clear thing that could be heard over the roar of battle was the word “GACHIRI!� yelled over and over by Gachiri-kun as he slammed his sword against the demon Punk-ass’ sword over and over, harder and harder.
“We must begin,� Cuteness-sama said, and she said something in Japanese to Blue-san and Chizuru-burger.
The two of them arrayed themselves on each side Cuteness-sama and put their hands together as if in prayer. Blue-san looked from Xeno to Cuteness-sama and back with a strange expression, something close to jealously, Xeno thought, but she closed her eyes with Chizuru-burger and the golden glow emanating from Cuteness-sama’s eyes spread to cover the two of them as well.
“These two will act as a focus for my concentration. We must hurry, and complete the Cuteness Singularity.�
“What should I do?� Xeno asked.
Cuteness-sama smiled. “You’re doing it already. I can feel it in your heart, the love of cuteness, the strong feelings for all that is moe. It is I who must focus that feeling from you.�
Xeno looked over his shoulder at the battle that raged behind them, then back at the bravest, Cutest little girl he could ever know. “There must be something I can do.�
“Watch over me, Xeno-sensei, and pray for my safety. I know you want to protect the moe, but it is the moe that must protect you. You mustn’t interfere.�
“Interfere?�
“HE IS MINE.�
Xeno turned to find none other than Semi-chan, another cute Japanese elementary school student who often seemed to compete with Cuteness-sama for his attention. The darkness that emanated from the eyes of Anti-GTX-sensei paled to blackness he saw in her eyes.
“She is not the Semi-chan we both know and love,� Cuteness-chan said. “That thing represents the Anti-Cuteness Singularity. It takes a form of Cuteness to confuse you. You do not want to know what will happen if that thing is able to harness its powers through you.�
“HE IS MINE,� the dark Semi-chan growled again, her normal cuteness dwarfed by the anger and madness in the pinched expression of rage on her face.
“What’ll happen if it harnesses its powers through me?� Xeno whispered.
Cuteness-sama suddenly laughed. “You know, I don’t really know, but I just have this feeling that neither of us would want to even imagine it,� she said, and just a moment later she surged past Xeno and become locked with the dark Semi-chan in mortal combat.
Xeno flinched as one of Semi-chan’s punches connected with Cuteness-sama’s cheek and flinched again as Cuteness-sama counterattacked with a hook to the side of Semi-chan’s head that sent her stumbling. Yet each girl straightened and kept fighting. Xeno could barely make himself watch, agonizing over every punch and kick, even to the dark Semi-chan, for she still held a form of cuteness even if it was corrupted by evil. But he made himself watch. Please win, Cuteness-sama. Come back to me, safely. End this fight. The dark Semi-chan struck a blow to Cuteness-sama’s gut that had her gasping. “Cuteness-sama!� he yelled, running to her despite her admonitions.
Just before he reached her, however, Cuteness-sama suddenly reared back and then slammed her fist into Semi-chan’s chin in a perfect uppercut. Xeno watched, amazed, as Cuteness-sama and Semi-chan rose into the air with Cuteness-sama’s fist rocketing into Semi-chan’s chin. A trail of fire seemed to outline her entire body as she spun once, twice, and then three times, an insane spinning uppercut like the Soryuken in Street Fighter. The dark Semi-chan dissolved into the air as Cuteness-sama fell into Xeno’s waiting arms.
Cuteness-sama glared at up at him. “I told you not to interfere. Rushing forward like that was the most dangerous thing you could do!�
“Always a stickler for the rules,� Xeno muttered, and Cuteness-sama chuckled. At that moment the light in Cuteness-sama’s eyes spread to Xeno’s body, and together they glowed so brightly that Xeno couldn’t even look at himself nor see any of his surroundings. A dull roar filled his ears, as if the world around him were crying out, and he yelled over the noise, “Is this it? Is this the Cuteness Singularity?�
“Yes,� Cuteness-sama replied, not yelling and yet her voice reached Xeno’s ears.
“What’s going to happen?�
“I’m not sure,� she replied, burying her face in his chest and holding him tight. “Just don’t let go of me, okay?�
“I won’t let go!� Xeno yelled back, his voice lost in the increasing roar and the flashing light. “I won’t—!�
Three weeks later…
“Ow!�
“Sumimasen, sumimansen,� Blue-san said, bowing and apologizing for once again hitting him with her tennis racket.
Some things never change, Xeno thought, smirking and rubbing his sore shoulder. He glanced over at Chizuru-burger playing a game of tennis across the gym and back at Blue-san then shook his head. Neither of them seemed to remember what had happened three weeks ago. None of the people he’d seen fighting knew anything about it either; it was as if it had never happened.
“Xeno-sensei!�
Xeno turned to find Cuteness-sama standing at the gym doors. He smiled. She’d appeared at those doors three weeks ago out of the blue to show him the strangest afternoon he’d ever experienced, but this time she was here as planned. She’d had an after school program she had to attend and her mother had actually asked him specifically to give her a ride home. It seemed that Cuteness-sama was always talking about him at home, so much that her family felt like they knew him well.
“Shoulder ride, please,� Cuteness-sama said as he approached her.
Was it all just a dream? he thought as he bent over for her to scramble onto him. I woke up the next morning in my bed, but what about that crazy afternoon? How did I even get into the bed? And, if it all really happened, what did the Cuteness Singularity even do?
As Xeno lifted Cuteness-sama onto his shoulders she smiled and, unbeknownst to either of them, many sad and depressed people across the world suddenly became happy and hopeful. As she laughed when he pretended to stumble at the bottom of the stairs, a hurricane off the coast of Florida dissolved into a gentle breeze and many lives were saved.
Guess I’ll never know what really happened, Xeno thought, shielding his eyes with one hand and holding onto the back of Cuteness-sama’s shirt with the other as he walked her off into the sunset.
From behind the two of them came a woman’s voice, hard with rudeness and disapproval. “Xeno-sensei.�
GTX and Cuteness-sama turned their heads to look upon a stern Anti-GTX-sensei, and lightning flashed out of a clear sky. Both of them looked up, then at each other, then back at Anti-GTX-sensei. As one, they lifted up one hand with the thump pointed towards their cheeks and waggled their fingers while sticking out their tongues. Anti-GTX-sensei made a strangled noise, but other than that she was speechless. GTX and Cuteness-sama didn’t really stop to look for her reaction, though, promptly turning and laughing as they continued on their way. A few cures for some terrible diseases were perfected at about the same moment.
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