A short bit I wrote

[Viewtiful_E]

Well... I guess it is short but I guess I'll leave that to whomever reads it. This is the first thing that I have attempted to write, I'm not too sure if I did such a good job so I posted it here. I'm not all too happy about the dialog; I feel that it is too corny. The action scenes are well... I'm not sure if anyone outside of my mind will picture them correctly or if I did a good enough job to where anyone can even picture them. With this in mind I hope you read this and provide some constructive criticism, thank you.



It hadn't been long into the revolt that the heavens began to cry. Whether these tears were of joy or despair was information that was beyond the owner of the thirteen year old eyes that watched the door in front of him, waiting for it to open. Swiftly they looked back to his hands, the silver blade of the katana reflecting the orange light of the candles onto his face.

They slowly rose to the door as the foreign style doors knob slowly started to turn. His head twisted around and rested on the clear glass of the window, the storm seemed to inviting compared to the fate that rested in the hands of his own personal guards. The door opened and the young mans head tilted to the side so his most loyal of guards could see the impish smile that rested upon his tan skin.

The loud crash of glass, the thrilled yell of freedom from the young man and the glimmer of the sword was all that remained of the brown eyed, brown haired youth as he jumped through the castle window, the silhouette of the guard looking down from the highest point that a room was located in the majestic castle.

It must have been only fifteen minutes later before the youth had made his first kill. It was one of the Band of Protectors, the man had lasted but 30 seconds against the youth, which was a disappointment after running the street for 15 minutes trying to find some kind of enemy. Though it did do wonders for his ego and self-confidence, two things he already had enough of.

" Hey! What do you think you're doing! " Came a shout above the clatter of rain on the roofs of buildings and the not so far sounds of swords clashing, battle yells and the screams of agony. Those deep brown orbs darted left, a band of five people running towards him, pointing to him and the corpse that resided by his feet.

Not a word was spoken as he faced the men, spread his legs slightly and quickly sheathed his blade, preferring a stance were he would have to draw his weapon and quickly counter attack rather then a ready stance. " Speak up boy! " The gruff voice of the cleanly shaven samurai bellowed. A moment passed between then all before the samurai spoke again. " So... the silent type... " A dark smile made it self present. “ I guess we’ll just have to have to make him talk. “ His voice sly and menacing as he looked at the young man, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes. The man drew his katana “ You see this blade here? “ A dirty calloused hand ran along the flat of the rusted dotted blade. His eyes lost the amused glint; a more dangerous glare replaced it, mirroring the tone of his voice. “ It has taken the lives of 99 men, 34 women and 27 children. “ The rusted blade was brought up to a pointed position, the tip pointing at the younger person further down the street. “ Do you know how much that amounts to? “ The harsh voice of the swordsman called out.

“ 160 kills are not very impressive. “ The quiet voice of the young man answered, his fighting stance unbroken. “ 61 of your kills were not doubt civilians that were unarmed, making your real total only 99. You are also very boastful of your 99 kills, which is very pathetic. “ Knowing that this man had killed 99 men was of no concern to him, his own one kill was probably done with more skill then all of the brutes kills combined.

“ What?! “ The man shouted, “ Who do you think you are? You should be grateful that you are going to meet your end at the point of my blade! “ The mans eyes bulged in anger, raising his sword high above his head. Dashing at the younger person that had insulted his abilities and acted so stoic while in his presence.

He still didn’t move, simply watched as the enraged swordsman ran at him, the rusted blade rose high over the head of its wielder. Every millisecond the man came closer, every step he realized just how easy it will be to kill a man of such skill. ‘ Now… ‘

The blade came down but hit air as the boy stepped to the side, the blade as well as the arms of the man coming to his side. The young swordsman quickly rotated his body 90 degrees, drawing his sword and slashing up at the thick arms of his ill-fated opponent in one smooth motion. In the mud was half of the forearm including the hands of the assailant, drowning in a pool of blood, water and mud. The man stood for a second before his eyes widened and he dropped to his knees, his mouth open in a silent scream as he slipped into shock.

Not hesitating he brought his blade down in an arch, the mans head rolling into the blood mixed mud, followed by his body. At this sight the other four looked at each other, the way this little boy so easily killed was a sight that struck fear into their hearts. The wicked smile that rested on the lips of the lone samurai would forever haunt their dreams if they were to survive. Each slowly backed away, swords drawn and knees shaking.

No he would only let one survive so he could spread the word and he would gain fame and stronger opponents. Without any signal the teen broke out into an incredible sprint, covering the 10 feet of distance in a second flat. A sloppy horizontal swing came at his head but never hit as the petite katana wielder dropped to the ground and slid in-between the mans legs, the blood stained blade pointed up. It easily sliced through the mans groin area and a high pitched scream filled the air followed by the clang of a downward thrust being turned aside by the quick katana of the unknown warrior.

With one arm he pushed him self from the ground after the parry, the defenseless swordsman's face came in contact with the little knee of his attacker. Twisting his body around he blocked a blow, the impact sending more force into the mans face, braking the nose and staining the knee of the killer. Using his free leg to kick off of the mans chest he launched him self up into the air twisting his body so that his back was once more facing the opponent he had just blocked, the deadly katana pointed down, the amazingly sharp edge coming in contact with the skull of the ill-fated man digging half way through before the acrobatic murderer flipped up and over the now dead mans body so that his chest will face the mans back when he lands.

When the flip was completed he pushed down and pulled out, cutting the mans skull in two before kicking the corpses back sending him into the swordsman with the broken nose. He had no room to breath as he tilted his body to the right and brought his sword across his body to block a vertical strike aimed at his head. He brought his free arm up used it to push on the blunt edge of his blade, causing the attacking swordsman to loose the short struggle and stumble backwards.

Not letting his opponent gain his balance he brought his arm back across his body, poised to thrust at the unbalanced opponent. Bending his elbow and pulling his arm back as far as possible to gain the most force out of his thrust he pivoted on his left leg and fully extended his arm as soon as his right foot touched the ground, sending the katana through the mans gut. Fear and failure met with nothing as two sets of eyes connected before the blade twisted vertically. A blood filled gurgle escaped the mans mouth as blood poured onto the young warriors arm.

Spinning around a full one hundred and eighty degrees he pulled up on the blade, the sharp blade running through the mans body and out through he top of his skull. Red mist joined the air, mixing with the rain as he brought his sword all the way around his head, the foul rain splattering onto his head and back.

Those deep brown eyes looked at the three dead bodies and the two that weren't. The one that had no chance of survival was cleanly cut in two from the groin up to the belly button. He moved towards this man and slowly rotated his blade until it pointed down. The blade rose above his head and he prepared to stab down but the mans own katana reached up to his neck and he slit his own throat as deeply as he could in the state that he was in.

The young man froze at this action and just watched the man bleed to death. He thought for a second and wondered if he was fighting the wrong people. That was an act of bravery and should be honored. Something that the foreigners would not do. He shook his head, blood soaked rain flinging from his soaked brown locks. He would kill anyone that got in his way, no matter what they were or what they looked like. It was at that moment that he decided to kill, kill and kill some more until no one stood in his path.

His gaze traveled to the now only remaining person alive on the street besides him self. The man had only a broken nose and must have had the wind knocked out of him. " Go... tell those that are strong about me... " His katana pointed for the man to go the other way, the rain washing away the blood that soaked the blade. Without an answer the man scrambled to his feet and ran off leaving the young one in the rain.

[park]

Wow that was short.

[BrokenShadow]

I agree, it is a bit short.

But you have a great vocabulary and you write really well. Sometimes simpel is just better then advanced.

And i would like if you got some sort of introduction to the main character. Maybe you like to keep his identity hidden, but give the reader something ;D

and one last thing.. it can be pretty confusing when each person doesn't have a name or titel, and just call them man and young or youth... i do it myself too, so can't give you an advice there XD

All in all... Pretty sweet, continue! ;D

[Reis_Winds]

I'm very impressed E.

Regardless of length, you did an excellent job and used really vivid descriptions in your writing.

The imagery you used was well done, and I could picture the teen slaughting his enemies without mercy easily.

Aside from a few grammatical errors which can easily be corrected, this was a great read.

Good job.
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[Viewtiful_E]