Chuck Norris Facts

[FaithZ]

I found this funny while i was searching the web from boredum.

May i present, Chuck Norris true facts..


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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.


Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.


Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.


To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.


Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.


On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t fucking think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t ever waste my time again.”


Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris


Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".


There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris
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[v-boi2002]

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn't push up, he pushes the earth down.

God, everyday is freaking Chuck Norris!! My friend never stops talking about these jokes
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[Doomsought]

Chuck Norris is 1/12 Cherroky
it has nothing to so with his family
he ate tha Indian

now make your own up:
Terrorists once activaded a nuke in American territory
Chuck Noris ate tha bomb
Then round house kicked a terrorist so hard his head undewent a nuclear reaction
The proceeding explosion a hundred megatons more powerful than the bomb
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If violence isn't the answer, you didn't use enough.
Most people operate under a fundamental misconception:
they believe most if not all people are good
It is saddly verry much not so.

[xenocrisis0153]

oh, I've seen that site before. It's become pretty popular ever since Conan O'Brien started showing clips of Walker, Texas Ranger.

I submitted a couple, can't remember them all. Here's what I do remember:

- Chuck Norris' real name is Norris Chuckerson
- Chuck Norris was the first man to simply walk on the ocean floor
- Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.
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GTX: Great Teacher Xeno... my daily blog about teaching in an elementary and middle school in Japan (see right-menu)

[v-boi2002]

[seefutbow]

One of my favorites:

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

The peeing into the gale force winds was funny too.

[Kaiser]

Ahhh.. finally some other people who know what the Chuck Norris jokes are...

I posted a hilarious flash video a while ago and hardly anyone gave any feedback except for the few chuck norris joke fans.


Here's some more:

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity... twice.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

[FaithZ]

Since i'm copying THESE ones off a site it might be the same as other ones poeple or I have.

# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

# Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

# Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

* When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

* Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

* There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

* When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

* Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

* A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

* When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

* Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

* Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

* When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

* How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

* Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

* In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be

* Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

* If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

* Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

* The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

* A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

* Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

* Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

* When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

* While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

* Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

* When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

* When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

* Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

* Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

* Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

* For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

* Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

* When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

* Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

* When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

* Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

* On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

* Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

* In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

* Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

* Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

* Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

* Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

* Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

* If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

* Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

* Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

* The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

* It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

* You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

* Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

* The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

* There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

* When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

* Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

* James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

* Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

* Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

* It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
* Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

* Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

* Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

* Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

* When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

* Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

* A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

* Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

* There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

* Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

* An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

* Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

* Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

* Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

* Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

* Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

* Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

* Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

* Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

* The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

* Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

* If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

* Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

* The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

* Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

* The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

* Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

* Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

* The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

* Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

* Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

* There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

* A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

* It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

* Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

* Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

* Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

* Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

* Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

* The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

* Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

* As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

* Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

* Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

* Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

* Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

* Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

* 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

* Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

* When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

* According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

* Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

* In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

* Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

* When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

* Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
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[quosimos]

[TrueAncestor]

Chuck Norris is the sexiest man alive. Even animals come and try to get a piece of the manhood he named "Roundhouse"

God damn all these jokes are friggin hilarious.
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Miku Miku!!
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[FaithZ]

Oh Man lol

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the internet.

Chuck Norris can draw a square circle.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Those r the funny ones i think
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[Itachi-kun]

Bruce Wayne was once a Chuck Noris fan, until he saw Walker and then became a follower of the religious movement "Chuck of the higher plane"
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[img:450:200:d0a28f8b61]http://www.anime-source.com/upload/uploadFiles/9979.jpg[/img:d0a28f8b61]
I just wanna be your light.

[logs]

dude i hate chuck noris... thats all i hear from people these days... chuck noris this and chuck noris that... screw you.. leave me alone
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"Our friends should be companions who inspire us, who help us rise to our best."

[Itachi-kun]

When the space colonies from Gundam Wing saw Deltaforce from their historical records, they wished themselves into existance and sent the gundams to fight Chuck. Later that day, several large chunks of gundanium were found near Mr. Norris's house, the pilots were only found in the form of bones in the remains of the colonies that dared to piss Chuck off.
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[img:450:200:d0a28f8b61]http://www.anime-source.com/upload/uploadFiles/9979.jpg[/img:d0a28f8b61]
I just wanna be your light.

[seefutbow]