Anyone got any good jokes?

1ce · Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 2:37 pm Post subject:

Your last one wasn't that great.
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Joke:
What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

Youkai_Flame · Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 2:43 pm Post subject:

a redneck kid from arkansas is at his first grade class. the teacher asks them to count to 50. most kids make it to 38 or so but the redneck kid manages to count all the way. the kid goes home and tells his dad. his dad replies; "that's cos you're from arkansas, son!" the next day, this kid's teacher asks the class to recite the alphabet backwards. most kids manage to get to 'm' but this kid manages to get all the way back to 'a'. again, thekid runs home to tell his dad, and again his dad says; "that's cos you're from arkansas, son!" the next day the kid and his classmates are getting changed after gym class and the kid notices that he is much more 'well developed' than his peers. he runs home and tells his dad and then asks; "is that cos i'm from arkansas, dad?" his dad replies; "no son, that's cos you're 18!"

it's a retarded joke, but i still find it funny...
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1ce · Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 3:24 pm Post subject:

lol
I predicted the ending after I read the first few lines.

ladyarakune · Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 8:16 pm Post subject:

1ce · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 5:17 pm Post subject:

Dirty Joke:
Kid goes to school and is assigned to learn a magic trick.
He goes home and asks his grandpa.
His grandpa says "Ok, sit on my lap"
The Kid sits on his grandpa's lap. The grandpa then says "Can you feel my finger up your ass?...
Look! No hands!"

IHateLois · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 9:15 pm Post subject:

Here is another racial Joke for u ppl:

The Pope calls his mother right after being elected Pope.

Pope: Hi mom, I've got some good news and some bad news.

Mother: What's the good news?

Pope: I've just been elected Pope.

Mother: What's the bad news?

Pope: I have to move into an Italian neighborhood.
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ladyarakune · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 9:38 pm Post subject:

omigod..lol

heres a joke about heaven
not really funny, but entertaining
Really Good Deed
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."
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IHateLois · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 9:42 pm Post subject:

hahah that was a nice build up

here is a sexual joke i got to get off the racial thing for a bit.

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"
_________________
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1ce · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 9:54 pm Post subject:

Heh.. I partially got it..

xopa · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 9:55 pm Post subject:

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10) Nuts.. my shaft is bent
9) After 18 holes I can barely walk.
Cool

You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7) Look at the size of his putter.
6) Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5) Mind if i join your threesome?
4) Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3) My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2) Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1) Hold up... I need to wash my balls first.
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1ce · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 9:58 pm Post subject:

LOL... their are a lot of weird sayings like that.
Just like: "Can you help Jack off the Horse when he comes?"

IHateLois · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 10:04 pm Post subject:

lmao that lis was great but now back to racial jokes
this is the final exam for a math class in Los Angelesl high skool

1Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2)Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
3)Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
4) Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
5)Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?
6) Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all his money?
7) If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8 Hector knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? What percentage of girls in the gang *hasn't* Hector knocked up?
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1ce · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 10:14 pm Post subject:

ladyarakune · Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 10:32 pm Post subject:

lol, omigod thats the fuckin funniest thing ive heard all day.
heres a kind of dirty one

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
_________________
CAIN is MY whore. touch him and die.
current activity: rambling on about how trinity blood got licensed
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uch1h4_s4suk3 · Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 3:04 am Post subject:

what's long, green and smells like pork?