Anyone got any good jokes?

PolyGuru · Gokenin Samurai Joined: Oct 11, 2004 Posts: 1049

Umm...to get to the other side of the road?

For more answers Click Here Laughing

PolyGuru · Gokenin Samurai Joined: Oct 11, 2004 Posts: 1049

Here's a joke:

YOU KNOW YOUR'E LIVING IN 2004 WHEN .......

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not
have email addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone
in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "1" to get
an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE :-
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
friends.

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore,
except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a No .9
18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOUR OWN STUPIDITY...

ephbuck · Posted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 9:17 am Post subject:

impressive.... i fell perfectly in line... i guess im a normal person..

celas · Conscript Joined: Nov 13, 2004 Posts: 179 Location: AZIA

celas · Conscript Joined: Nov 13, 2004 Posts: 179 Location: AZIA

TRY THIS ONE!!

there was a lady in an elevator....and when a young man entered the elevator he accidentally felt the breast of the lady with his elbow....

the young man said "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, then youll forgive me"

and the lady replied "if your elbow is as hard as your elbow, then i'm at roon 711"..... Rolling Eyes

celas · Conscript Joined: Nov 13, 2004 Posts: 179 Location: AZIA

[/quote]and the lady replied "if your elbow is as hard as your elbow, then i'm at roon 711

PolyGuru · Gokenin Samurai Joined: Oct 11, 2004 Posts: 1049

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home

rejectsrevenge · Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 9:33 pm Post subject:

Well these are blonde-bashing jokes so try not to be offended
(btw, they're not hilarious, but I thought they're were a nice diss... it's mean I know)

How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
They kick open the car door

Why do blondes like cars with sunroofs?
Because there's more leg room

meh... not that great, but sure is a kick in the pants.. eh hehe -_-'

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oh btw, the joke above (the eloping one) was hilarious by the way.. haha I should use that for my mom... too bad I already gave in my report card Mad

ah well... next time Wink

_________________
Alright people. Move along. No funny signature message here...

PolyGuru · Gokenin Samurai Joined: Oct 11, 2004 Posts: 1049

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming
in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell
and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

PolyGuru · Gokenin Samurai Joined: Oct 11, 2004 Posts: 1049

Dormitory == Dirty Room

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity == Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

Semolina == Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

Contradiction == Accord not in it

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

Becomes:

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

becomes:

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

PolyGuru · Gokenin Samurai Joined: Oct 11, 2004 Posts: 1049

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said
"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"
Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"
The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"
Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"

Earnil · Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 2:57 pm Post subject:

Jonny's Mom has three kids:

Snap
Crackle
and?

Earnil · Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 3:04 pm Post subject:

Ok, that one was kinda lame. here's another one.

If a rooster laid an egg on the apex of a slanted barn roof, which way would the egg roll, left or right?

DrJackal · Jikan Samurai Joined: Mar 14, 2004 Posts: 979

The egg would roll left i think. And Jonny's mum third son is jonny.

PolyGuru · Gokenin Samurai Joined: Oct 11, 2004 Posts: 1049