fanfic -ish thing.

[spankit]

i dont know. ultimasome, wanted me to post it here.
so i figured, hey why the hell not. its a bit dark
and i admit its not necessarily well written (sorry) XD.

its a project in progress i guess. but i'll just put up what i have for now.
critizism and comments are welcome~

btw: the names are in korean cause its originally on another
forum site that i posted it on. ^^

Unspoken Words

[00]

Prologue


I always thought we’d be together always.

You know, sort of like how fairy tales are…

I never doubted that you loved me wholly, from the tastes of your kisses to the way you looked at me, I was yours and you were mine. Entirely.



If I knew it was my last year, I’d have spent it with you…
If I knew it was my last week, I’d have left you to save you the pain…
If I knew it was my last day, I’d hide so that you couldn’t see my tears…


If I knew it was my last breath, I’d tell you I love you one last time.

I guess, sometimes forever just isn’t that long…



Death comes on swift wings they say…


[01]

Breathless

Have you been so in love, that it overpowered your senses? That everything you breathe, taste, hear, speak, revolves around it? As beautiful it is, I felt I was slowly drowning in a sea of emotions. Never did I ever feel that love could feel so wondrous. You were my angel, God’s gift to me.

I miss those moments with you…

Lying in bed next to you I’d lie on your chest, “How much do you love me!� I’d ask.

“Not that much actually,� you’d say turning your head away with a defiant air as a smirk tugged at your lips.

“Kim Jaejoong!� I’d yell, grasping a pillow next to you and attempt to bash your head in. Yet you’d always grasp my wrists and pull me into you and just hold me. Pushing my hair back you’d tuck my head under your chin as you softly whisper,

“More than the world baby.�


Sometimes I wish I could ask them, why’d they have to take me away from you, or rather rip you from me….


Some call it puppy love, maybe it was. But never had I felt so wanted, so whole.
It was as if we were two lost souls that somehow found each other.

If only you knew…


[02]

Shattered Innocence

I didn’t mean to stand you up that night…
Remember that gorgeous red dress you bought me?

I still remember that night. Exams had finally been over and I promise I’d meet you at the Gala Hotel for our date. I swear, I’ve never primped so much in my life for a date. But remember, it was our anniversary that night. Wearing that red dress I matched it with my heels. I left the house with a big smile, even my parents knew we were inseparable.

They’ve always approved of you. You with your charm and adorable antics.



It was raining that night, I remember because the umbrella I held hid his face.
I didn’t want to be late, but being the forgetful little me, I obviously was. I saw you standing outside waiting dear, you were handsome as ever.



When I felt his hand close around my mouth, I wanted to scream, but no sound came. It was then that I’ve never wished so hard, why didn’t you look my way… Those same heels that were scraped along the ashfalt were found by the police two weeks later.

He was so much stronger than me, I kicked, I thrashed, but nothing worked. As I tried to yell, it was then he broke my jaw. I could feel my body slowly going numb as the stench of him covered me. For the moment I felt as if I was no longer me, as if I was watching it happen from someone else’s view. Each time I willed my body to move, he’d shove his fist into my ribs, I could feel the bone slowly shatter, as did my resolve. Slowly his wet kisses stopped as his breathing got heavier. He ripped that dress, those shreds would later be found stained with a red that was mine. Forcing himself over me, he twisted my head so that I’d look at him, I stared into those dark pools. It was then that he raped me.

He stole the only thing I had to offer, something that was yours…

Lying there on the wet ground as the rain pelted down my last thoughts were of you and how we’d never be. He glanced down at me then, satisfied. Looking down at my face he took out a knife, “Tell me you love me,� he demanded. Helplessly I lay strewn there. “Tell me you love me!� he yelled. As I stared into him…


I knew the end would’ve came anyway… to say the least, I had already died.


[03]

Persona

Thinking about myself in detached sense, I realize now that I wasn’t always the person I prided myself to be. I can’t stay I’ve never hurt anyone, nor did I do anything memorable… all that I can say, is through the pursuit of happiness, I discovered him.

I’ve always believed that in this world, you don’t ever need anyone, but yourself. As morbid and lonely as that sounds, it held true to my mind. How anyone would ever truly love someone as much as they loved themselves boggled my mind.

It wasn’t love that caused you to sacrifice your all, but rather the courage to accept the fact they were your all.


Giggling I crept up and shoved EunJi into the huge pile of leaves. A muffled “oomph� could be heard as he landed. As I turned to run a hand grabbed my leg, I squealed as I landed next to EunJi. “Gotcha!� grinned EunJi as he locked my head under his arm and mussed up my hair. “Aghhh!� I groaned, “my hair!� EunJi laughed as he stood up and stuck out his tongue. Trying my best to fix my hair, I started pulling out the dried leaves. Still laughing EunJi suddenly lifted his gaze as he saw someone walk by, “Ya! Jaejoong!� he called out. As I triumphantly picked out another leaf from my tangled hair I turned to look at who he was talking to.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I never did…
It was that fall with EunJi that I found him…

Those days with you, I’ve never laughed so much. They say people in love give off a glow, I was resonating with light. It was as if I had been living through life, black and white, but once you came… a sudden burst of color took over.

You were older, and to be honest, I was intimidated. Despite your looks, when I first laid eyes on you, what lured me in wasn’t that… it was more so that your eyes mirrored mine. They were empty, hollow, and craving to find something more. It was then that I yearned to be with you. Somewhere along the road, I realized it was you that saved me from oblivion. It was you that gave me the lust for life. No matter what I did then, I had felt under appreciated, unworthy, you were the only person other than EunJi that really knew me, the real me. With you I didn’t have to wear a mask…

Sometimes I wonder, if given a second chance would I still follow through life the same way, knowing that it’d end like this. Maybe I’m selfish, but even if I lived my life knowing this, I would’ve still fallen madly in love with you, sometimes… life isn’t fair, but as they say…

Its better to have loved, then never loved at all.

I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused
For all the tears you cried
For every moment you’re alone
When nothing seems to be going right
When I can’t be there by your side
For forsaking your love
For forsaking your trust


I’m sorry.


It was you that blessed me with this smile.


[04]

Beyond

Like everyone else, I never thought about death. I accepted that death was a part of life, but never did it have any signifigance.

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

When death finally came, I had lost the meaning to live, the meaning to feel, and the meaning to face myself. To an extent I’d say I welcomed it with open arms. I was broken. Even if I had lived, the look in your eyes would have ended my life anyways. Without you.

As I felt lifted from where I was, I felt the invisible barrier that would always be between us. No longer could I touch you, hold you, kiss you, but yet the yearning never stopped.

I never stopped loving…

Heaven, the concept we’ve been taught that exists, the unknown medium. The only heaven I had known was your arms, nirvana. To say the least, life does live on, but in another state, stage. I am every part of your world as you are of mine. As much as everyone thought that I had ceased to exist I still watched you grow, you hurt, and by your side I suffer. Yearning erodes the soul.

I was there by your side as realization dawned.
I was there by your side holding you as you cried.
I was there by your side comforting you as you saw my funeral.
I am there loving you always.

There are moments, when I wished that forever I’d be in your memories. That I’d be yours forever, that I’d be the only one. Somehow as I wished for that I saw your eyes dying. I knew then that, I only truly wanted you to be happy… even if it meant forgetting me.


I love you - those three words have my life in them.


if you were wondering, yes i wrote it haha. poetry included.
_________________
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."
(,,#ﾟДﾟ):∴;'･,;`:ｺﾞﾙｧ!!

[ultimasome]

Wonderful poetry
amazing set up (dunno what ya say that in English so said this word ^^; )
touching moments
lovely poems
well first time i read it i saw myself somwhere else
dunno maybe cause i was a girl and got into the lines ya wrote ^__^
but its really good an excellent
even i couldnt stop from reading it though i dont understand most of the words not most but some of them

last thing...

Spanky
your a great poet
believe me
really liked it so much.

keep at it
your doing greater than everyone.
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"Blogger"

[Kimmie-chan]

My heart was sorta achey when I was reading that spanky... very beautiful...although very sad.

Very nice piece of writing...
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Get ready to vote for who you think is the Sexiest Anime Character!!

[Xristyan]

jas>> so you did put it up here...

well i already read the thing over at MSN and given you my comment so i don't think you need any more flattery.. your head might explode..
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[LuNa_BLaNCa]

xris- well a lil more wont hurt

Jaz- pretty much what kimmie said, i seriously felt like i was the character in the story and could feel what she was going thru...does that sound weiord o-O;;; oh well..x) its really nice! ^-^
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[IMG:310]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v679/Glo0226/toki.jpg[/img]
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_(")_(") "toki is still alive!"

[Himitsu]

Wow spankit,

You write beautifully, you have such an artistic style. Glad that you came to the right part of the team :3. I was especially moved by [02]. I love how you have unique perspectives and just your descriptive style is captivating.

You should be a director! Well, that's a thought that came to mine. Something for those dramas or even musical theatres.

And about the Korean names, any reason why you chose those ones? Usually there's some significance behind them.

[Xristyan]

[spankit]

here's another 2 chapters.
and im really greatful for the feedback XD.

the use of korean names is basically because this storyline
is using korean characters and plus. its on a korean forum site.

if you havent already seen it, i have a trailer to go with the
story, AN ACTUAL TRAILER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9kxjjol-wg


[05]

Jaejoong

HanEul,
I loathe you,
I hate you, because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.

I waited.



The vivid images of that night are hauntingly emblazoned in my mind as I never left that spot. I knew you’d come, no matter what, you’d never lie. Silly of me to just stand there and wait aimlessly, when I should’ve known all along that something was wrong…

Angry are those who are most afraid.


I was home when I heard.
I was shocked, in a sense of disbelief…

It began as muffled sobs…

Metaphorically or not, my heart tore. It was a pain so intense it took my breath away. I didn’t cry, not because I was too strong to, but because I was too weak to. Emotions flooded over me, devoured my entity. I collapsed numb. In my mind pain no longer registered, feelings no longer existed. Never had I been so utterly dire, a pain so intense it seared into my very soul.

You promised me forever, you liar.


How could something like this happen to you..
My HanEul… how many times does my mind have to collapse thinking of how I could’ve changed it all. How if I had only looked for you, you’d be here by my side. How could you be so stupid as to leave me behind.

How could you leave me thinking… if only.


“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.�


[06]

Consumed

I was there at my own funeral.

I stood next to my crying mother, my emotionless father, and Jaejoong. His eyes looked haunted, his skin ghastly. It hurt to know, I had hallowed out all the rich emotions, destroyed him with the knowledge that I was so close, yet so far.

Him that I love, I wish to be free -- even from me.


Looking at my own body, lying there in the casket, somehow I felt so empty.

It was sense of surrealism, to see my own face, run my fingers over the curve of my nose, yet I could feel nothing. The bruises were concealed, my expression peacefully in slumber. It was as though I was taking a nap, only resting… yet I’d never awaken.


It was probably then, that I marveled how they cleaned the past events prior to my death. No longer was my face plagued with wounds, traces of him were gone, for now I could rest in a eerie sense of innocence, an artificial brilliance. For now, I could be the embodiement of perfection…


Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

In my state, I’ve often wondered if I could actually feel. Did I exist?
Is this judgment, is this hell?

I have hurt those that I’ve loved most, if there is a God…
Why must they suffer?


All that resounded through the room, were sobs that belonged to my mother. My heart wrenched as I watched her collapse in the arms of my father. The man I grew up loving, respecting, never had I seen him look so old, so frail. I had shattered them. A emptiness had now become irreplaceable in their lives, they rooted their anger, their blame…

Jaejoong…

I watched as people drifted out, they all seemed so faceless.
All that I really saw was Jaejoong leaving with a distressed MiRa…


Silence hung heavy in the air as they sat in MiRa’s flat. Jaejoong’s quiet composure, MiRa’s quiet sobs. The bottles on the floor began to build up as MiRa drank recklessly…


“I’m going,� spoke a quiet Jaejoong as he stood up to leave. Grabbing his arm as a crutch, “Don’t leave me, please,� begged MiRa. “It was a mistake to come here MiRa, let go of my arm…� he said quietly while tugging. “Why can’t you treat me as her, can’t I ever live up to her.� pleaded MiRa. “No,� he simply replied. He shook her loose as he approached the door. “Give me a chance,� begged MiRa as she pulled him and forcefully kissed him.

My breath caught in my throat.

Jaejoong, my lovely Jaejoong.



His composure snapped. Wrenching his lips away from MiRa’s he pushed her on the bed and began kissing her roughly. He tore at her clothes while holding her arms about her head. His hot breath hit her skin as he ruthlessly ravaged her.

He suddenly sat up on top of her. “Is this what you want,� he demanded.
MiRa’s eyes were full of tears as she retorted, “I just want you.�

Jaejoong’s mind was flooded with emotions, all he knew was lust. He buried his face in MiRa’s body, fervently looking for release. For now, he wanted to drown. He let his raw needs take over him as he tore at his own clothes and MiRa’s finding what he desperately needed. He needed to feel, to know that he existed, to wipe his mind clear. Panting he buried himself into MiRa as he groaned. He pushed himself… searching in the lust induced passion. As he hit climax, he groaned through his lips…

HanEul.
_________________
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."
(,,#ﾟДﾟ):∴;'･,;`:ｺﾞﾙｧ!!

[bigdave]

Jaas>>> VERY COOL!!!!!! XD

and er..... Very passionate? The rough love seen was kinda like a r.....a...p..e. o__o XD

WEll it was good!!! So u have this all in korean too??? ^___^
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(^.^)
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[LuNa_BLaNCa]

wow....-speechless-...

-takes a deep breath-

that..was..AWESOME!!!! (\^0^/)

dude! hahaha i was at the end of my chair reading this xD

i really liked this line "It was a pain so intense it took my breath away. I didn’t cry, not because I was too strong to, but because I was too weak to" <-- so much emotion and it described perfectly how he felt..and i could relate to that =P

but the last paragraph..wow..angsty

Maravilloso!~ ^0^
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[IMG:310]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v679/Glo0226/toki.jpg[/img]
__(\_/)
_\(^0^)/
_(")_(") "toki is still alive!"

[NeL]

wow spankit.............

to give everything.................... even if you yourself will be lost

a love worth to be killed......... and then be killed again (metaphor)

and i was listening to emo rock while reading it, kinda amplified the feeling T_T

[Himitsu]

I read the other chapters at school... and

;_; wow.

You should find an agent or something because you're an awesome writer. Awesome! I actually had to turn on my music. It was semi- sad music, but your story overpowered any emotions coming from the music I heard.

Love the events and your descriptive style. <3

Do not stop writing, you have talent~

[Simoon]

Wow.....Not many stories make a big impact on me, but your story did. (and by the way I've read a ton so thats a big compliment) You describe the events and characters feelings so well. Keep on writing I want to read more!

[ultimasome]

yet I'd never awaken...what a lovely word
the first chapter ya talked about love and how she felt and now about pain
great poems
it really moved me
keep it up ... wonder what the next chapter will it be?
so excited ^^
_________________
"Blogger"

[spankit]

[07]

Realization

Love isn’t something you can control or take away…
Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you and you meant nothing to him…

My thoughts were in a state of chaos…if I had a heart, it would’ve withered and died on its own. As much as I understood his overwhelming pain, I felt my own. It stung that he had used MiRa, and it had hurt that MiRa, a trusted friend of mine, had betrayed me so deeply…

One was the love of my life…
One was the one whom I created life with…

It was this moment that I questioned life itself.

Was I foolish to think that, after death, life would be better? How many have been disappointed after suicide only to find that they see things they don’t want to, learn truths that hurt deeper than slicing into one’s own wrist? Lies.

Physical pain bears no resemblance to the raw emotion of betrayal, not that I inculpate anyone for the matter…




The room was filled with a slow panting, Jaejoong slowly got off MiRa. His face was emotionless surrounded by a grim aura. Grabbing his clothes he walked into the bathroom as MiRa’s eyes burned into his back. As he donned his clothes, never once could he look himself in the mirror. His hands gripped the porcelain sink as an urge to vomit overtook him. Looking into the mirror he was filled with an utter disgust for himself. His rage overtook him as he punched the glass, shattering it… like HanEul had done to his heart. His mind couldn’t register the wound that he had inflicted on himself…the steady patter of his blood dripping on the tile floor.

His blood tainted the flawless tiles, soaking them in his sins.

Stumbling out from the bathroom he walked past the bed, glancing on…

MiRa’s eyes gave a single tear that ran down her cheek, she looked to him for comfort, and all he did was look away, “I made a mistake and now I’m paying for it.� he quietly stated before walking out, the sound of the door slamming echoed within the room.



I thought I could keep him by giving him my body,
By throwing away my dignity,
And by begging to stay by his side…

I gave him all that I could,
Wasn’t this love?

To give your all and receive nothing, and yet to keep on giving even then…
If so. How is it I feel so empty?


I watched as my love staggered his way down the street.
I tried to catch him as he crumpled to the floor, his blood dripping…


I tried to harden my heart as I saw his face welcome the glorious pain…
_________________
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror."
(,,#ﾟДﾟ):∴;'･,;`:ｺﾞﾙｧ!!