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Anime-Source.com :: View topic - Made Alittle Gundam Fanfic (Sorta)
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Made Alittle Gundam Fanfic (Sorta)

 
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manwithnoname
Ronin Samurai


Joined: Nov 01, 2005
Posts: 689
Location: Behind you

PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 3:10 pm    Post subject: Made Alittle Gundam Fanfic (Sorta) Reply with quote

Date With Death

*Drip*

*Drip*

*Drip*

“When will this hell end� I said to myself in my cockpit. I was sitting out in the middle of space on a meteor waiting for the enemy to stop searching for me. I was Heavily Breathing as though the life was drained from me when I was running.

*Drip*

*Drip*

*Drip*

I looked down and saw my own blood on seat. I looked up to the monitor in front of me. It was severely damaged. It was cracked in the front from the heavy impacts that the front of my machine had taken. I looked down to the first aid kit to administer at least a little bit of First aid to stop the bleeding. I was in pain. I had been severely wounded just above the abdomen from the K-12 Missile fired from the Battle ship behind the meteor.

Then. Out of no where an Enemy had found me. It began expending Armor Piercing (AP) Bullets at my machine. In return I pulled the shield on my left arm out of reflex to save myself…too bad it really didn’t help much I took heavy damage to most of my sensors. “It Seems that their plan all along was to make me unable to fight� I thought to myself as I jolted to my throttle. I pushed it to full. Soon after my machine jolted forward into the opposing Zaku’s cockpit.

I looked up to my monitor it was blank. I looked to my left to look at my damage meter. It was all red with a flashing warning “Life Support Failing�… “Heh so this is how ill die� I said to myself as a tear flowed down my face from behind my helmet. I thought back to all those that counted in my life. As they say when someone is on the verge of death their life flashes by their eyes. I had remembered back to those times when I messed around with Tory and all the fun times we had fighting alongside each other. Then to Devin the little scam artist but he was still a good friend. And finally to my love Ashley… as I thought about the time I spent with them the tears and anger raged within me.

“NOOOOO I WONT DIE LIKE THIS� I yelled from above my anger. I grabbed hold of the machines controls and reprogrammed the sniper cam to display the forward camera at all times. Soon after I reprogrammed that I looked at the secondary oxygen and remaining power life that my machine had.. I had to escape it was my only chance of survival. The Power meter read 54% remaining. The secondary oxygen read it was at 92% and they were both dropping. I looked into my new monitor. I saw a new territory.. Outside me I had been captured. I was inside the battleship. I then fired my .60mm cannons mounted on my machines head into the room killing everyone and incapacitating the unwary Zaku’s. I then moved my machine to stand when simultaneously an explosion occurred in the left heel of my machine. It was in pain it wanted to get out just as much as I did.. It began to move on its own free accord. Picking up the saber and riffle sitting on the ground to the left of one of the incapacitated Zakus. The machine then fired the riffle into various areas of the room causing the room to vibrate. “hope that did some damage�.. I then took control and continued firing until the room became illuminated with a red light that shined bright. “The red light signifies that the crew is abandoning ship� I thought to myself.

I then moved the machine to the door that lead to the hull. I then grabbed the box that controlled the door and crushed it. Causing the door to open. I was then casted out into the vacume of space. I pulled my saber from my back and shifted the thruster to 50%. This caused me to be in a moving battle position for the machine directly in front of me. It began to fire AP rounds in defense to stop my advance. Its rounds had succeeded in one thing and one thing only .. To fill my and my machines anger. We flew forward and slashed forward striking right in the middle of the green machines cockpit. Simultaneously the machine exploded. I continued forward escaping the clutches of my enemy. I then took time to look down and saw the pool of blood. “Heheheh I totally forgot about the bleeding I must be an idiot� I looked back up and set a course in the auto pilot back to my ship that I had left earlier on a mission to watch the enemies I had just attacked and heavily wounded. I then looked over and fell into a deep sleep.

Then I could hear voices calling out to me

“WAKE UP�

“WAKE UP�

I opened my eyes and saw Ashley by my side I reached up to her and then felt very weak..I fell back into my deep sleep.

(A few months later)

I opened my eyes. I looked to my left.. Saw nothing.

I looked to my Right.. Saw nothing I then fell back to sleep to be woken up by a girl crying. I looked up and saw Ashley once again at my side.

THE END (???)
-------------------------------------------------------

Leave your comments here XD so far ive only showed it to my gf and fellow anime fan o.o and they both recomended that i post it somewhere for readers im thinking of adding on to this story but thats still in the making
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Angel_Armz
Rosen Ritter~


Joined: Dec 05, 2006
Posts: 10983

PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 11:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Its okay, could've been a little better if it was more in depth. I noticed a few mistakes, grammar and spelling. I'm not quite sure when this is taking place. Is this during the UC century, during the One Year War or in another timeline? Perhaps you should try posting this on Fanfiction.net

Its quite short so I don't really have much to say. You can add more on making it a bigger story, or just make a new one altogether. Try reading some books.

Edit:

Haven't made a vote yet btw.
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Takasan
Naginata Ashigaru


Joined: Jul 23, 2005
Posts: 486
Location: Seattle

PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 3:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hmm would be a lot better if you took out "I" in front of every sentence. with just that alone your story will reach readers more and better grasp their interest. it gets repetiive ^^;

Number one rule of thumb (or somethin like that) don't start a sentence with "I" =]

like:

["When will this hell end," I said to myself. Sitting in my cockpit out in the middle of space on a meteor, waiting for the enemy to stop searching for me.(even this is too much description) Breathing heavily as though life itself was being drained from me while running.]

[As I looked down, I could see that my seat was stained with my blood. I looked up at the monitor in front of me only to find a severely damaged screen. There was a big crack in the front from when my machine had made heavy contact with the meteor's surface.

In pain, I fumbled for the first aid kit. I thought it best to at least administer a little bit of first aid(or some other term should fit here) to stop the bleeding. I had been wounded just above the abdomen from when the K-12 missile that was fired from the battle ship had hit me. ]

or somethin like that =]. hope this helps!
heh i'm not much of a writer. ^^;
-Taka
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