Why can't she love? My story

[Zierlyn]

[copywheeluser]

no Zierlyn, you're not an idiot, I'll move on if I move on, take an oppurtunity if I find it. Whatever. Nothing good comes out of an emotional limbo. Thanks for the advice and support everyone. I'll keep everything in mind.

There's one solution I haven't tried, drinking! >

[NeL]

copywheeluser>> hmmm.... drinking is good when you have problems but it'll betray you after that. Trust me, i've been there.

[ethylenediamine]

Zierlyn,

Prepare for an ass-chewing.

Stop being a nice guy.

She knows you like her. And she uses that to her advantage (favors, gifts, emotional support), although I don't know if she is doing this consciously (she might just expect men to lavish her with gifts and attention from prior experience and interaction with you-Hey, you are willingly doing it, so it must be the norm!). To her, you are just a dickless boyfriend (it had to be said). She gets to enjoy all the benefits of a boyfriend (aka a listener to her problems) while you get nothing in return. Seems unfair and that she is the villan, but let me elucidate your part/fault in this scheme.

Why did you want to be her friend in the first place?

"Oh, because she has such a free spirit, ideals, intelligence..."

BS. You wanted to be close to her, because she is pretty. Your biological urges were the cause. Boys chase hot women. You are shallow.

However, attractive women are approached all the time by men. And the one thing these guys do is act "nice" to garner the favor of these women. Big mistake. Big turnoff. Would an attractive, young woman want to waste her time with an masculine-deprived man when she has so many choices? Does she want a "nice" person she can just walk all over (i.e. ignore you requests for a relationship while you waste all of your precious time to accommodate her)? Anyone can be nice! So why the hell would she want to be with you? Don't you know how to stand up for yourself? Or are you "nice" to a fault?

If you let me steal a phrase from a wise man I know, "nice" in this case is a euphemism. You are not "nice." You are manipulative. Under no circumstances is she required to respond to your unrequited love. You act nice expecting her to love you back.

[sarcasm] It only seems fair that I trade my kindness for her love! [sarcasm]

Ha!

Sadly, that is an unreasonable expectation, because she can't love what she isn't attracted to. You can't force attraction. Attraction isn't a choice. (Sorry, good physical features aren't enough with women). I am willing to bet that you do things to accommodate her; you have no self-respect so your spinelessly agree with her, seeking her approval. Don't let her walk over you! Don't be needy! Take care of your own needs first! It may sound selfish, but society has erroneously conditioned young men to be selfless, even when their own needs are not met! Spend your free time on yourself!!!! Otherwise, you are just a boring nice guy that elicits zero attraction in women. YOU ARE BORING!

And yeah, I bet you wouldn't be as nice to a fat/ugly and/or fugly woman. Your "nice" demeanor doesn't seem so nice (oh a play on words!) now!

Tell me, do you put more into the relationship than she does?

Damn skippy! Evaluate the dynamic between you two. I am willing to bet that you'll do anything for her. But would she return the favor?

Not likely.

What is that you say?

You want to defend her honor because I am being a jerk by assassinating her character?

I know you are mad, but I think I am telling the truth. She just dissed you when she ignored your displays of interests and then flaked on your play-date. She would never defend your honor in the same capacity as you would.

My advice: Stop being friends with her. Cut off all contact. This may be extreme and offend many women and nice guys on this site, but you aren't getting anything from this relationship. (relationships in anime ARE NOT good examples in how men and women should pair up). From what you have presented, she doesn't RESPECT you. Being nice, like in the movies and anime, won't work.

And if she tries to contact you, just ignore her. You have to in order to grow up as a man. You can't focus your attention on only one women. That's what little boys do.

But you should also learn to NOT hate her after you do this (if you heed my advice). Just let it go. Move on. She isn't that good a "friend," but don't waste your precious time.

What you need to realize is that there are plenty of women out there who would love to be in a relationship with you. Just believe this. Have the right mindset and learn to act with integrity and confidence (no, not "nice!" Don't act nice to a woman if that means settling for scraps of affection, treating her drastically different from a male friend, or if she suddenly acts like a "bitch). If you behave like a doormat, you will be treated like a doormat! If you gain confidence, women will come into your life without worry.

Now get some self-respect: If you aren't good enough for a romantic relationship with her, why should you be her friend? Otherwise, you are setting up yourself for a lot of heartache when she eventually starts dating some other man. She gets all the emotional support+conveniences of having a "pseudo" male around (lifting heavy objects, whining, "playfully" hitting you when she is frustrated, killing bugs, etc.)

Here is some other advice: cut all/most ties with all your female friends. I suspect you act nice to all of them, so that they will accept you. But of course, they are never as nice to you as you are to them!

Whatever you do, don't become your friend's emotional tampon. Don't just listen to her, while she does jack for you!

..................................

wait, I never had a relationship before.....but this is still good advice I have learned from more mature men!

[Zierlyn]

Hey! Don't look at me! I'm one of the guys that's offering advice! XD

That was quite the ass-chewing though. I'm skeptical about all the people who say to cut off all contact. That's not growing up, that's running away. And besides, I get the impression that she's the kind of person that would notice you lose contact, then shrug it off and move on. I doubt the whole 'She'll realize how much you really mean to her' scenario would actually happen in reality.

Frankly, I don't think there's any reason why he should lose a potential friend (right now, she's a love interest, not a friend, and it takes a considerable amount of mental strength to look at her as a friend) in this situation. Personally, I think ignoring someone because she won't give you what you want is a rather childish thing to do. ethylenediamine (should I call you EDA for short? hehe), you certainly did a good job of providing another perspective. One point in particular about how she can enjoy all the benefits of a boyfriend while copywheeluser gets nothing in return was a really good one to bring up. However, I don't see it as solely an argument that he should just cut all ties and shun her for it. If he's able to accept her and learn to think of her as a friend and move on from all the feelings he had for her... that right there would warrant a great deal of respect. Moreso than simply walking away.

So what if she was just using him? I'm sure he doesn't mind, part of him would probably be overjoyed to know he's of any use to her at all. Looking back and feeling used in the future would probably make him feel bitter and angry, I know I've been in that position before. So instead why not get a friendship out of the whole situation, and learn from the experience and grow? Simply walking away from the situation would leave a lot of loose ends; a lot of "What If"s would remain... and those really suck.

[ethylenediamine]

[copywheeluser]

woah, that was quite the ass-chewing. Am I manupalative? It really doesn't feel that way, though I should be discounting most of everything you said because you admitted to not knowing what you're talking about. Should I take any of this into consideration?

I don't trade kindness for love, I trade kindness for kindness and love for love.

And she doesn't think I'm dickless! She's seen it, once, on accident. She looked impressed and surprised yay! But, that's about it ;-;
she not too interested in penises

[Kimmie-chan]

[copywheeluser]