How do you keep yourself alive?

[ShadowLane]

First of all, I want to say I really don't know you, or what you've been through, so I really don't have any right giving you advice, but knowing you're posting something like this in a forum, and reading some things you wrote, I can come up with a very sketchy view of your character. Because of the gravity of your situation, I would like to at least make a slight attempt at alleviating your strife. So...here goes. I know a lot of other people have said this before, but finding a drive in life is so very important. Whether its hope for a family, a thirst for knowledge, helping the human race, pushing your limits or even something like tending a garden or getting a really nice house, these wants, these ultimate desires help people understand why they are alive. People are selfish by nature, they live for themselves. Find a reason for life, and pursue it with everything you have. Another thing that I've noticed just from personal experience is that children are never depressed. Children never commit suicide, and here is the reason. Children do not know what is socially acceptable. They act out on any feeling and any impulses. If Jimmy takes Tommy's toy, Tommy punches him or starts crying. Keeping things pent up is the root of depression. Strive to be a child. Not in mind, but in action. I love acting on any impulse I have as long as its somewhat appropriate. It really helps...Also, you mentioned Buddhism. One nice aspect of Buddhism that may help you is to try putting your all into one simple activity. Zen gardens, and the rice paintings...Focusing like that allows you to enter an interesting state of mind. Also, from Buddhist teachings, try living your life moment by moment. I won't go into detail but Buddhism is very cool. Thats about all I have to add, and if you ever want to just talk, PM me.
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In control? I think not.