Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/anime/public_html/banzai/header.php:34) in /home/anime/public_html/banzai/includes/sessions.php on line 254
Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/anime/public_html/banzai/header.php:34) in /home/anime/public_html/banzai/includes/sessions.php on line 255
Anime-Source.Com: Forums
Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/anime/public_html/banzai/header.php:34) in /home/anime/public_html/banzai/includes/page_header.php on line 499
Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/anime/public_html/banzai/header.php:34) in /home/anime/public_html/banzai/includes/page_header.php on line 501
Warning: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at /home/anime/public_html/banzai/header.php:34) in /home/anime/public_html/banzai/includes/page_header.php on line 502 Anime-Source.com :: View topic - Itsudemo
Thanks for your comments everybody! You are all great!
Chikage_Shampoo: Thanks for your kind words about my story. I love it when people like my work.
One question though, what do you mean by my descriptions clash? I'm probably just being stupid, so ignore me if I am!
AngelKing: Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I also thank you for telling me about some of the mistakes I have made. I see what you mean about all the "I"s and "He"s, it is an annoying problem now that I notice it.
You see, I dont really think about what I write. I know that may sound silly, but let me explain: I dont plan my work, I just sit and write. The result is usually based on what I feel at the time. Because I am so absorbed in getting my meaning across, I guess I make some stupid amateur mistakes!
Trying to hard to paint a picture? No, not really.As I said, I dont really think about what I write-I just write whatever I feel or see in my head. I'm sorry if some of the descriptions are a bit off, I will try to refrain from contradicting myself in future chapters.
Dont worry, your comments havent put me off, if anything they have encouraged me to work harder!
Anyway, here is the next part of my story. It's not much, but I have been bogged down with homework lately!
NB- Some parts, like Mihoshi's thoughts, are meant to be in italics, but I cant seem to get the italic font to work! Thats why some bits may be a bit weird...
A soft, gentle voice pulled me slowly out of my reverie of despair. I looked up, puzzled and scared, to see a blue-eyed boy staring kindly down at me. I gasped, a flicker of recognition flitting through my mind.
The boy from my dream!
“Are you okay?” The boy repeated his question, his voice strangely soft and soothing.
It is him! But how…?
“I’m fine,” I said weakly, trying to ignore the awful pain in my head. “I just…fell over…”
“No you didn’t.” He said with a knowing smile, as he extended a hand to help me up. I grasped it gratefully, not caring if my weakness showed. I was past caring. Past caring about being normal.
As I stood, wavering slightly, beside the boy, the amulet around my neck began to glow dimly. I flinched and turned away, thinking that the boy would surely see me for what I truly was. A monster.
“It’s okay. I know what you are.”
I turned back to the boy, wobbling dangerously on my uncooperative legs. I gave him a piercing, questioning stare, then opened my mouth to ask him a thousand probing questions. I wanted to know where he had come from, how he had invaded my dreams, and how he knew who I really was.
“Who are you?” I somehow couldn’t voice all of my questions at once, so I settled for one, the most burning one, which seemed to consume my every thought.
The boy smiled mysteriously at my question. “My name is Hazuka Rai, Mihoshi-San,” He said, inclining his head by way of greeting. His movements were graceful and elegant, as if his life was an endless, wonderful dance.
“Rai,” I said, tasting the letters of his name. For some reason, his name seemed familiar, as if he was someone very important to me. “Why are you helping me?” I asked, suddenly remembering what I had done. I felt dirty, evil, as if I really had killed someone. I wondered why this kind boy had chosen to help me, after I had almost destroyed the dining hall.
For some reason, the boy laughed at my question. “You aren’t evil Mihoshi, far from it!” He said cheerily, as though he could read my inner thoughts.
I blushed, feeling suddenly ashamed. I wrenched my eyes from Rai’s face to look despairingly at my feet. “But I could have…I almost…” I floundered, trying to find fleeing words to finish my sentence.
“Listen Mihoshi,” Rai’s voice was firmer now, but no less kind, “Don’t think like that. No matter what anyone says, you’re not evil. You’re just not, okay?”
“But I am!” I burst out despairingly, hot, salty tears flowing freely down my face. Pain, sharp and piercing, swept through me as I remembered my earlier savagery. “I could have killed him!”
“But you didn’t.” Rai said simply. He gently took both of my hands in his and looked at me imploringly. “You’re not evil. Please listen to me, Mihoshi. You’re good.”
“But I-“
“No. You’re good, and I’m here to help you. Please Mihoshi, stop this! You’re good. Not evil. Good.”
And so I stood there, in the dark corridor, while Ray held my hands in his, and whispered over and over, until my tears ceased to fall.
“You’re good, Mihoshi. Good.”
*************************************************************
Hope you all enjoy it, please keep telling me where I am going wrong! _________________ Take my hand,
Together we'll be,
unstoppable,
unforgetable,
free...
Thanks for your comments everybody! You are all great!
Chikage_Shampoo: Thanks for your kind words about my story. I love it when people like my work.
One question though, what do you mean by my descriptions clash? I'm probably just being stupid, so ignore me if I am!
AngelKing: Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I also thank you for telling me about some of the mistakes I have made. I see what you mean about all the "I"s and "He"s, it is an annoying problem now that I notice it.
You see, I dont really think about what I write. I know that may sound silly, but let me explain: I dont plan my work, I just sit and write. The result is usually based on what I feel at the time. Because I am so absorbed in getting my meaning across, I guess I make some stupid amateur mistakes!
Trying to hard to paint a picture? No, not really.As I said, I dont really think about what I write-I just write whatever I feel or see in my head. I'm sorry if some of the descriptions are a bit off, I will try to refrain from contradicting myself in future chapters.
Dont worry, your comments havent put me off, if anything they have encouraged me to work harder!
Just some parts, it was already mentioned by Angelking (footsteps echoing, then there was furniture. Although... if the floor was old and wooden, there would be a chance of them echoing, even with all the furniture- I've been to a house like that.).
Hey, I write exactly the same way. The words and story come much more easily when you just start writing and keep on going. As long as you get the meaning across, it's fine. Correcting mistakes and having people comment it is for after you have the "sketch" of your story.
I'm glad that you understand the way I write, not many people know what I am talking about.
I have been doing some research and I have discovered that sounds WILL echo in a house that is full of furniture, but only if the ceiling is really high. Mihoshi's house is like a castle, therefore the ceiling will be really quite high, allowing her footsteps to echo.
Heh, I dint know that when I wrote that part of my story though, so my mistake was still a silly one.
I have tried to take into mind all of the suggestions given to me to complete the next installment of "Itsudemo".
I hope you all like it. Please dont hesitate to tell me where I have gone wrong.
“Feeling better now?” Rai asked me softly after a few minutes had passed by like startled minnows.
“I think so,” I said quietly as I looked shyly up at his emotional eyes. “But why…why are you helping me?”
Rai smiled his innocent, child-like smile before answering me in a voice like gently flowing water. “I want to help you, Mihoshi-Chan. Does a person really need a reason to help others?”
“No, but-“
“Mihoshi, I thought we had been through this. You are not evil. Don’t ever think that way. Please listen to me. Do I really look like someone who would hurt you?”
I looked intently at Rai as I thought about his question. I tried to read his eyes, looking for the barest hint of distrust and dislike that I found in every other person. I studied his face, seeing only innocence, strength and overwhelming kindness in his handsome features. He was a puzzle. A mystery, yet I felt that I had always known him…
”No, you don’t,” I whispered ever so softly as Rai brushed a stray strand of hair from my tear soaked face. “Thank you, Rai.”
“It’s okay, I wanted to help you.”
“Rai,” I asked, voicing a burning question that had been tearing me up inside. “How do you know…what I am?”
I looked down, dropping Rai’s hands, terrified that he would see the darkness inside of me. A burning feeling of shame trickled through my veins as I nervously awaited Rai’s answer.
Now he will see me for what I really am… Will he desert me like all of the others?
“You… are special.” Rai murmured, taking my hands in his once more. “You possess the most beautiful gift in the world. I saw that as soon as I laid eyes on you.”
Beautiful? But I could have killed that boy! My power is no more beautiful than a war ravaged country, filled with hate. Why does Rai think of my power as beautiful?
“But Rai, I could have killed someone! My power is awful… Awful…” Warm, salty tears began to flow down my face again as I remembered how close I had come to murder. I began to relive every second of my terrible encounter.
Every moment, every hateful gaze and blow passed through my mind. I sighed softly as I remembered the terrible, yet sweet taste that only true power has.
I whimpered weakly as I remembered the two terrible, voices. One had been almost desperate and pleading, but the other… The other had been harsh, cruel and evil, but so tempting… So painfully tempting…
Rai lifted one of his gentle hands to wipe the tears from my face as they fell like autumn rain. So soft was his touch that I almost forgot the monstrous things I had done. Almost…
“Your power is beautiful, Mihoshi. You must learn to see that. If you only think of your power as evil, then evil it shall become. You must never think of your power in that way, okay?”
A faint note of nervousness had drifted into Rai’s voice. His hand trembled and his eyes shone with fear as he looked down at me. I could sense his fear, but I could not understand it. Rai had seemed so strong and brave…
What is Rai afraid of? Is it me?
“Mihoshi, I can show you the true wonder and beauty of your power. I can help you, ease your pain…”
He lowered his gaze, fear painting his gentle features like moonlight. His voice, as he uttered his next words was barely a whisper in the dim corridor.
“Will you let me show you?”
************************************************************* _________________ Take my hand,
Together we'll be,
unstoppable,
unforgetable,
free...
heh, I'll follow your story to the end. The mistake worked out in the end ; that's cool. Sorry I can't comment on it too much... my mom's shouting on the phone and she's so loud her voice can be heard all over the house. Hmm...
"I whimpered weakly as I remembered the two terrible, voices" - ... remove the comma here. Why were they so terrible? Was it because they overpowered Mihoshi's mind and clashed inside her head? This sentence was a bit unclear to me...
"His voice, as he uttered his next words was barely a whisper in the dim corridor" the "His voice" part would sound clearer after "...next words" .
"I looked intently at Rai as I thought about his question. I tried to read his eyes, looking for the barest hint of distrust and dislike that I found in every other person. I studied his face, seeing only innocence, strength and overwhelming kindness in his handsome features." Very powerful sentences. But does the "I tried to read his eyes... every other person." one need to be in there if she only sees innocence, etc. in his face? Either that or combine them in some ways to remove some of the Is.
In my opinion, you have a great potential to publish some of your works. Keep writing! . You motivate me to keep working at my novel, which is currently 62 pages long.
Thank you. I really feel like my writing is worthwhile when people like you read it. I'm terribly sorry about all the silly mistakes in that part, i havent been sleeping well for weeks and its really starting to affect my writing.
Even so, making that many mistakes is unaccceptable.
Right, I will remove that comma as soon as I finish writing this message!
Then I will rearrange the "His voice bit". It sounds so much better in my hand when I move the words around like you said.
For the next mistake, I'll explain what I was trying to convey. You see, Mihoshi has been hurt so many times by other people who seemingly are innocent and kind, like Rai. She has learned to be wary of everyone, even those who appear to be trustworthy and good. Therefore, no matter how much innocence and kindness she sees in Rai's eyes, she will always be wary and frightened. I will, however, remove some of the "Is". I seem to have a problem with that, Angelking noticed too...
Ugh, that part of the story really wasnt very good. I can do SO much better. Sorry about that, I will try to make the next part better.
Published? Me? You're joking of course? Being published would be a dream come true to me, and one day I hope to achieve this dream.
What is your novel about? Maybe you should post it on Anime-Source, I'd really like to read it. It seems we are motivating each other! Thank you _________________ Take my hand,
Together we'll be,
unstoppable,
unforgetable,
free...
Yeah, I've been pretty busy also. I know how you feel. But it's not as bad as you think it is. There's a few errors, but most of it's just fine. Making mistakes is okay in the first stages. It wasn't alot.
I understand about the third mistake .
No, not joking at all, because you're very good. I'd love to see your stories, etc. published!!
ooo, I'll PM you what it's about. Not too sure if I'll post it, but I can send parts of it to you.
Um, my writing abilities would most likely be stomped on, squished and flattened if that happened! From what I've heard of CS's story, it sounds far better than my little amateur one.
Still, they say that competition makes you work harder... It IS an interesting concept.
VasH83: Thanks, but the last part of my story really wasnt up to my usual standards. I can do so much better and I'm annoyed with myself for the silly mistakes I made. Thank you for remaining a loyal reader though. _________________ Take my hand,
Together we'll be,
unstoppable,
unforgetable,
free...
The next part of Itsudemo comin' up! SOrry its been ages, I've been totally swamped with homework! Because I'm sitting my exams early, my teachers are literally piling the revision on me!
Anyway, here it is-
Ps: as always, please tell me if you dont like anything I write. It helps me a lot when people tell me of any mistakes, boring bits, etc...
“Yes,” I said simply, captivated by Rai’s words. I wanted to see the beauty inside my power that only he could show me. I wanted to harness and control my power. I wanted to know who I really was…
“Thank you,” Rai said, his gentle face alive with happiness and kindness once more. The pale blanket of fear seemed to vanish from his eyes at the soft sound of my single word.
“I want you… to show me…how my power can be good,” I managed to whisper, my voice strained and weak from emotion.
A burning flame of curiosity seemed to flicker into life inside of me, replacing the fear and anger that had so consumed my every thought. I decided to trust this boy, this amazing, mysterious boy, who seemed to hide some strange and wonderful secret.
“Great!” Rai’s voice was light and carefree, making him seem completely innocent and pure. I felt somehow dark and tainted, standing next to such purity and warmth. If I was darkness, then he was light, shining down on my shattered, broken world.
“So, when do we begin, Rai-san?” I asked, feeling as though I was a frightened child on her first day of school. A door to a whole new world seemed to be opening up before my cautious eyes, and I felt out of place within it.
“Tomorrow. We’ll begin tomorrow. Meet me here when school ends, and I will show you what life is truly about!”
My thoughts whirled and danced like wind-tossed rain as I slowly trudged home. My heart was filled with intense conflicting emotions. Fear, anger and hope all battled fiercely to control my raging thoughts.
Strangely, neither fear, nor anger, or hope managed to win my thoughts. Instead, an image of Rai flickered momentarily in my mind’s eye.
Oh Rai, I hope you can help me…
Cold, cruel rain began to fall, making me shiver and sneeze. Morbid, depressing thoughts began to chase Rai out of my mind as I walked through a deserted park, drenched with rain, cold inside and out.
What if Rai can’t help me? What if I keep getting worse? What if someone dies next time…?
Burning tears fell from my eyes, running in rivers of sadness down my face. Yet again I replayed the awful incident in my mind. I saw the boy, harsh and mocking… Then Akemi’s face… Then Rai…
Coughing out strangled sobs, I looked wearily up at the darkening sky. The first few tentative stars of the night shined down at me from the never-ending blanket of darkness.
I wish I was a star, safe up there…
I chuckled sadly, aware of how silly my wish was. I would never be a star; I would always be on earth, stranded…
Sighing heavily, I returned my gaze to the damp ground. A few sleepy flowers greeted my eyes as they stood, almost defiantly, in the heavy, deafening rain. I was so absorbed in the little flowers that I failed to here the footsteps that crushed the grass behind me. Only when the harsh voice rang out, broken by the rain, did I realise that I was not alone.
“There she is! GET HER!”
************************************************************* _________________ Take my hand,
Together we'll be,
unstoppable,
unforgetable,
free...
"I felt somehow dark and tainted, standing next to such purity and warmth" - small comment here. Maybe you should put "somehow" between I and felt? Or does it need to be there?
about the flowers... what kind of flowers were they? I notice that you put the word "tiny" but the image isn't exactly clear in my head. Were they a part of a weed or something? What color were they?
I don't think I have any more, ahaha. 'tis a pretty good piece of work .
All times are GMT - 5 Hours Goto page Previous1, 2
Page 2 of 2
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
All images and comments are property of their respective owners, all the rest � 2002 by Anime-Source.com.
You can syndicate our news using the file backend.php.
Forum FAQ
Search
Usergroups
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
You are all great!
Yeah, I've been pretty busy also. I know how you feel. But it's not as bad as you think it is. There's a few errors, but most of it's just fine. Making mistakes is okay in the first stages. It wasn't alot.
